I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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