i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
