I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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