I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
