Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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