My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
