do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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