I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
