i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
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