Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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