I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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