First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
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So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
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I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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