he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
