remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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