I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
