dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
