and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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