I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
