I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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