hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
