I am puke
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
