do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
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He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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