woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
