All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
