just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
