$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
