I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
