I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
