so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just found puke in my bra..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.