My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
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"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT