I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
