I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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