your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
