Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How's work?
Spinning.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
