A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
