Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.