Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"