Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
