apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
