I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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