his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it glows. i had to have it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
