So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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