you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
