I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
