I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
