Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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