Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
