my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize