Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
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The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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