in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
