I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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