You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
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I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
it glows. i had to have it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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