you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
