you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
