MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
