I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
