I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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